I thought January was going to be really busy. And that after the first week of February, I might get a breather, but I knew that the first week of March was going to be crazy too. Now, it’s past the middle of March, and I think I might finally spy a breather.
It’s been a good few months though. The ups have been very up, and the downs have been down-y, but I guess, downs are always downs. The world hasn’t ended (and since the last time I blogged was before the end of the Mayan calendar, I suppose I should verify that I am still very much alive, and blogging still… ?)
Since the last time I blogged, lots has happened. I signed a lease with Lars! So we’re officially moving in together. I learned all of the countries in the world, all 197 official sporcle countries. I’ve wanted to do that since I was 13, and it only took 7 years. I turned 20. Is that an accomplishment? I got classy drunk, without being gross. I’ve sort of come to terms with the fact that I will have to deal with who I am for the rest of my life, and pushing away the parts I don’t like won’t actually make me any better, just less well-adjusted. I still haven’t really learned to delegate, or accept that sometimes I won’t be perfect. Is that okay? That I can’t accept that I won’t ever be the ideal version of me? I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not. I baked cupcakes for the first time in years.
It brought back memories that I couldn’t deal with. Do you ever think about your life in retrospect, and know why you made all the bad decisions you made, but couldn’t figure out how you could have been possibly that insecure to have done such things?
It’s amazing what cupcakes can remind you of.
I’ve made lots of stock in the past few months. I’ve been tainting my pho with satay and miso and hoisin, and I think it’s a deadly delicious combination. Also I think I’ve been making vietnamese style beef noodle soup at least every other day.
I’m just craving something other than this. What even is this? I like this. I don’t want to go home, but I don’t want to stay here, and I don’t (really) want to travel. I guess I would just like my situation to be more optimal. Wouldn’t everyone? Or is this one of those crazy non-accepting things too?
Sorry internet. I know you’re not my therapist. I just had a good night, and I don’t know exactly what to do with myself. I think I should make my broth sweeter.
Oh. I quit MNI staff. Surprise, surprise. Two and a half years, and then I succumbed to what everyone except very few have succumbed to — real life. It’s one less source of anxiety, though I miss it. And I’m sad about the state of quidditch in the world. But we’ll move on, and be okay I think.
It’s that thing, where I wonder if we can be friends without the thing that ties us together the most. I miss my friends.
I guess it’s just a healthy dose of nostalgia. Perhaps if I was less self-centered, this would work out better. Perhaps this is why fiction can’t flow from my fingers — I seem to get stuck in this never ending circle of misunderstanding.
Perhaps it’s because nothing sounds real.
That’s all folks. Don’t forget to add ginger to your broths!
Sometimes I have no idea why I blog. I feel like I’ve spent the last week sitting against this wall, same futon that my mom replaced my bed with, doing nothing. Well, not quite nothing, but close enough. I’ve seen some friends, I’ve eaten some dinners, done some stuff. But nothing that makes any of this break memorable, not yet. I’m eating dinner from a bowl while I’m sitting on this futon, reading Serena/Nate Gossip Girl fanfiction (sounds like I’ve found my OTP, tumblrers. Too bad the series just ended…) and thinking about how I can’t eat without dropping food on myself (I have rice down my shirt, I should really stick my hand down and get it…) and how I’ve almost forgotten what chicken tastes like.
Is it possible to forget what chicken tastes like? I guess so. This chicken kind of reminds me of chicken from before when I started cooking for myself. I think it’s because of the snow peas.
It’s Christmas cheer time, and yet the last two most exciting things I’ve done is get my essay back from Jamcams (A+!!) and look up how to publish it. And also read it a few times to see how I could make it better. Must make better.
Sometimes I think I should have been a philosophy major. I could do so well with that, if I didn’t find philosophy to be entirely too depressing.
Maybe that’s why I’ve been reading romance fanfiction and novels. So many romance novels. I’ve also played a lot of scrabble, and finished a gigantic crossword. My sister did the sudoku before I could get to it. I’ve been getting better at scrabble though. Two fifty-point bonuses in two games.
Do you ever get so tired that you just can’t imagine how you were ever not tired? I don’t remember what it was like to be really not tired, or energetic at all. Must inject some new life into self. Drama TV watching is draining it all away.
It probably doesn’t help that it’s dark by 4 here, and slushy and gross as I’ve ever seen this city.
I’m knee deep into samie-reclusive land. later, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays etc.
I wasn’t really planning on blogging today (do I ever plan to blog?) but I’ve sort of got all these things in my head, and even if I don’t blog about those things, it’s usually a good idea for me to do some writing. It usually helps ‘things-in-general’ even if it’s not ‘specific thing’. Does that even make sense? Maybe all of my days with any clarity at all were lost to angsty high school memories.
I went to a mini-concert-event-shindig type thing tonight, and I heard some pretty good musicians get it on. I’m really missing music, or feeling connected to myself these days, as though I’ve sort of lost direction. I’ve lost [home] to come to, not that I don’t have ties or grounding, but more like I don’t know where I’m going. I have vague worries about the future, but I’m a firm believer that things will work out the way they should. Sort of in a Lutheran way, but more in a sense that I should trust my instincts to make good decisions for me. Music does that. Love does that too.
But right now, I feel very uncertain of my own instincts, or what they’re telling me. Kind of like if you know your instincts are good, and you should trust them, but you uhhh… don’t know what they’re telling you.
I think I’ve mostly got it figured out for now. I’m not as uncertain as I think I am (am I ever really uncertain? It’s more that I’m just not sure about the world around me will think, if that matters — which in a sense, it does, and in another sense, it doesn’t…)
The end of the semester is super close (like one day of class left close) and I can’t wrap my head around the fact that I only really have a year and a half left of university. If I play my cards right, maybe even just a year.
Conor just linked me to one of those “really dumb metaphors that high school students make”. I feel like right now is one of those times I could go on a really long tangent about a hummingbird and how they could fly backwards — something I wish I could do, fly, and fly backwards but also faster than a heartbeat. Read the rest of this entry »
Blog! So I’m in the library — I’ve been finding myself here more often than I’d really like to, considering I this place is more like a prison than a library.
I’m writing writing writing away. For real, instead of fake-writing as I type away on my blog. I’ve just come across a road block though, and it seems like that thing where I just can’t say anything better than anyone else can say it is really frustrating. Does anyone else feel woefully inadequate for not being able to solve the world’s problems in one go?
See, I feel like the tools have absolutely been handed over by my professors. (If they really had, wouldn’t they have solved the problem and thus not left me with this mess in the first place?) But haven’t we development students read enough articles, watched enough documentaries, attended enough lecture panels and seminar discussions and conferences and whatever else there is in academia to come up with anything to say at all?
Sometimes I really feel for those post-structuralists. I get where they’re coming from, because nobody’s got anything good to say.
But I don’t actually have time to blog either. Still trying to solve poverty. Occasionally systemic oppression too… I guess there’s always the option of dropping out of school and baking cupcakes forever. Seems like a better option to be covered in buttercream and flour than paper cuts and ink.
(Anyone have a theory on why all my pens have started to leak ink? would be helpful…)
I would promise to be a better blogger, but that would be lying. The semester is over in three weeks — I will provide a full update on my life after December 5th. Until then, toodles! Yes. toodles.
Take note, kids. Don’t take classes on ethics. They’re largely useless, make you feel guilty and drain your brains away.
Life has been consumed by school lately. Between sleep, eat, read & class, and some boyfriend time, I have barely had time to write. Except papers. Damn pesky things due every week or so… dislike is not a strong enough word. But what do I get for being a liberal arts major. Oh well…
I’ve been on and off sick for the last few weeks. Every time I think I’m getting better, I have to stay up late to write some silly thing about ethics or cuba, and then I just get worse and spend the entire next day sleeping. My spanish class attendance is suffering for this. Oops. I’ve been trying to be really good with my other classes though.
This whole being on top of work thing is tough though. I think I need to plan better. I’ve started watching Gossip Girl, much to my own amusement and horror. I would say I like it ironically, but truth be told, sometimes I just need a little drama in my life. My life is surprisingly non-dramatic, especially compared to my high school years, and a little injection through TV shows isn’t too bad. And there’s the whole “sit in bed & slowly decimate the amazon rainforest through use of tissue paper to blow nose for a week until nose stops running” thing. gotta do something other than destroy forests… right?
Read the rest of this entry »
but then I think to myself, between that and some child soldiers and some systemic, cyclical violence, is there a better way to be sad? No. So no Hannah Arendt until I finish this course on Children and War. Which, by the way, is next week.
That’s right, one week of classes is DONE! a ha! Victory is miiine. Actually, not really. The next week had three assignments in it, and I haven’t started any and I don’t know what I’m going to do my policy briefing on (children, war and malnutrition..? girls, sexual violence, Cambodia, child soldiers, PTSD, peacekeeping missions, protocols and treaties, guns, gangs… so many options. cats. Cats are affected by war, aren’t they? here kitty kitty kitty)
I am turning out to be the most coherent blogger. Read the rest of this entry »
Well, sort of travel stories. I’m finally back in Ottawa, for the first time since February. Finally? I don’t know. I like it well enough here, and I missed it while I was in Halifax, but my vacation was just long enough to make coming back here seem like a bother rather than a treat. I’m sure I’ll start to enjoy it more once I get out and see the city some, but I’m ten minutes back in my old house, and wishing I was home.
It’s been a while since I blogged here, so here’s a hard and fast update:
– got back from Europe with Lars (6.13.2012)
– lazed about Halifax in blissful sunshine for a month (6.13.2012-7.14.2012)
– flew to Hamburg to board the Queen Mary 2 with my entire extended family (7.14-15.2012)
– cruised around Norway for 10 days (7.15-25.2012) Read the rest of this entry »